3rd and long

Thursday. Final class.

Its all about the boob.

This week started with a discussion on breastfeeding - the good, the bad and the ugly. And of course a video; though this time it wasn't pushing watermelons out of ag-pipe, but rather enough big boobs and breast squeezing to put a Russ Meyer fillum to shame.

There was lots of discussions on the benefits of popping the boozies out for a feed: strengthened immune systems, release of oxytocin for mum (and hence quicker post-preggas recovery), quiker post pregnancy weight loss ("it uses 3000 calories a feed"), bonding with bub and a milk bar on tap at all times. The downside... sore nipples, babies biting, difficulty getting it all started and the killer - up to 12 hours of feeding per day with the need to feed every 3 hours (these days they dont recommended a set interval for feeding though, its all on demand, so add in a fair whack of kiddie screaming time).

Of course Mistress P may have been judged somewhat cruel when she turned to the lady expecting twins and said "guess thats 24 hours a day for you..."

Personally, the World Health Organization (WMO) recommendation of exclusive breast feeding for 6 months is all we really needed to help us decide if we'd give it a go, though this suggestion is probably based more upon third world requirements rather than first world.

In all credit to the nice-lady-in-charge, she didnt lecture that you must, but recommended setting a goal - 1 month, 3 months, 6 months - and aiming for that first.

Then there was breastfeeding itself.

This is where the problem started.

Each couple were given a "baby" to have some practice on. (In reality a Kmart special doll, but hey, they were free classes, who's complaining.) As everyone was about to start a couple who were running late wandered into the class. AB, being the gentleman he is, noticed a spare baby sitting on the chair next to him.

"You'll be needing one of these" he said, as he picked it up by the leg, gave it a swing and tossed it across the room into the soft handed catch of late-on-the-scene mum.

Nice-lady-in-charge almost had a fit.

"YOU CANT TREAT BABY LIKE THAT!"

Errr... "baby"...? Lady, its a moulded piece of petrochemical.

She was clearly stunned at such behaviour.

But we got the message.

After the flinging episode the breastfeeding exercise went pretty much without a hitch. Mums had to "give it a go", putting the lips of baby to their breast and being shown the best positions to achieve a coupling; either in front with bub rolled onto their side, mums wrists flat, or the wonderfully named "football" position, where the baby is held under the arm, sort of attacking tittie from the side. Kinda like Wayne Carey i guess...

All the while there was a somewhat strange-but-harmless woman and a real, I would venture non-plastic, child sitting in the corner. She at first appeared to be there to offer her thoughts and experiences on matters milk. In reality it seemed all she really wanted to do was get her boozies out and show us breastfeeding in the flesh. Which she did.

This really was turning into a Russ Meyers fillum.

All this stuff on feeding the tike on demand lead, or course, to the discussion on crying, something the little buggers can do for a total of 3-4 hours a day. And hence how to soothe the wailing son of beelzebub. There were all sorts of suggestions - taking it for a walk, giving it a feed, changing its nappy, talking to it quietly, rocking it gently, but when it came to AB's turn, and having recently read about 4 pages of the "happiest baby on the block" (courtesy of Noony and Jo and the Boulder (Colorado) bookstore), he said "shooshing". As in "ssshhhhhhhhhhh....".

Nice-lady-in-charge just stared.

"When holding baby you need to support the head."

Yes mam. I did actually know that. Its just that, well, its a doll. Kmarts moulding of Altona's finest. Wouldn't even get a bit part in I,Robot. Its not real.

But we got the message.

It was then onto another video by the Australian Breastfeeding Association (ABA). Which, to be honest, are a little scarey/kinky in their rabid fascination in getting every tike on a tit. (And the apparently unnecessary nature of the adult male... blokes appeared to be pretty much an accessory item when things get down to ABA tin tacks.)

The video was all great stuff when it started, showing lots of the difficulties that mums may encounter when they try to breastfeed (fair enough - 12 hours with a suckling piglet must be a bugger to the bazookas) and how to overcome them.

But then it firmly entered the "did i really need to see that" territory. Several minutes (well, at least it seemed like several minutes) in great depth on the colour of the mini me's poo, complete with close ups of lots of used nappies. Thank ford we dont have smell-a-vision (though apparently breastfed babys have sweet smelling poo... or is that just a conjob by the ABA?).

Ok, so we wont freak out when Rufs first turdburger looks like Prince William Sound after the Exxon Valdez, or if its a bit green for a few days before turning yellow, or even if his wee goes reddish, briefly, after a bit, but hey... nappy-cam?

The final game of the day was another card execise. This time the couples were handed cards with two statements on them, and it was up to us to agree/disagree/discuss. Things such as "grandparents are wise and should be listened to at all times" or "this is our baby and we welcome advice, but the grandparents have to realise it is us who will make the decisions". (This is a curly one apparently, as the GPs have all been through it before, but a lot of advice given when they were first parents is now considered the root of all evil, parenting wise. e.g., Now: always sleep baby on their backs - the "back to sleep" mantra for prevention of SIDS. Then: babies slept on tummies. Talk to a modern-day midwife on what our folks did and you'd think the entire human race was lucky to survive their parenting at all...)

There were lots of other cards and discussions; sex after pregnancy, breast feeding, types of nappies, and post natal depression. All important things to throw about ideas on. It was then onto open questions, which of course led to...

"How soon after popping one out can mum have a drink - as in booze?"

Nice-lady-in-charge looked a little taken a back. Did she have a class of slushes?

"Well if you are breastfeeding, it goes straight into the milk and baby will get a drunk!"

AB: "Tops - he'll sleep even better!"

Judging by the look from nice-lady-in-charge, and the statement about "little livers", this is probably not deemed a breast feeding positive by the ABA. But hey,...

We got the message.

Thats it. Classes over.

We're on our own... Print this post