week 39 - home alone

The first week at home and Mistress P was finding it a little strange, to say the least, to suddenly be expected to laze back and put the feet up. (So she didnt.)

"Wheres the report writing, wheres the stress, wheres the deadlines? This cant be right..."

Of course she soon found plenty to do - swimming in the local pool (800 metres at a time) being the favourite. It was here that she was faced with that most difficult question a heavily pregnant but slick-through-the-drink lady must answer.

"Do I embarrass that man by overtaking him in my state?"

Sure...

Theres also been lots of beach walking and stretching in the sun, more book reading, some nesting/baby room preparations, visits to family and friends, and even a lil bit of Kath&Kim-esque Southland shopping for... the baby whisperer book (AB loves the description of how to tell if baby is hungry: apparently it goes "wa wa wa"! Genius...).

According to the baby whisperer, there are five types of babies: angel, textbook, spirited, touchy and grumpy.

"We'll have one textbook angel please. Easy on the grump."

On the labour front there has also been the creation of the birth plan, which basically says "we'll give anything a go - cept pethidine, cos that makes Mistress P chuck up." Given the amount of stuff being expelled from the female during birth, keeping at least one thing inside the human body may well be considered a good thing.

For further assistance in labour, and following the advice of a few recent baby poppers, Mistress P headed off and rented a "Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator" (TENS) device. This consists of two electrode strips that are glued to the skin either side of the spine (electrode contacts at the top please), from "just below the plumbers crack" to about halfway up mum-to-be's back. This is all attached to a little battery pack with dials and buttons that basically control the "zap" that mum-to-be can give herself.

Despite the fact that this all has the appearance of something not out of place in a Guantanamo Bay interview room, supposedly its use in this context is for good and not evil. The electrical current to the spine supposedly "scrambles" the bodies pain impulses and hence reduces the OUCH! signal that gets to the brain.

It's also thought to stimulate the release of endorphines, which are the bodies pain relievers - and why you feel so great when you finish a long run. Fair enough. Best of all,... the TENS can be used safely in conjunction with a whopping great dose of the gas or barbiturate...

On the socialising front, the weekend also brought lots of visiting and yacking - the tend and befriend instinct appears to be kicking in hard - and also exposed the preggas brain once again.

This time the Saturday night party, where Mistress P was clearly one of the stars and hence was supplied with her very own bar stool for the duration of the evening, which subsequently ended slightly early and sans handbag. And when we say "handbag", we really mean "tardis", cos it contained wallet, glasses, phone, hair brush, horse-piddle details, kitchen sink... thereby necessitating a trip back the following morning.

Clearly AB was suffering preggas brain too, cos they both forgot the change from daylight saving time and hence arrived an hour earlier than they told the bleary eyed party-hosts they would. (Doh!)

So now, with just one week to go, its all about the waiting. And it seems that the odds actually aren't in our favour that this will indeed be the last week.

According to the weekly email from birth.com.au, and with the accompanying caveat; "I read it on the inner-net so it must be true", it would appear that the average length of a human pregnancy is about 40 weeks + 8 days for first time mothers (and 40 weeks + 3 days for
mothers having their second or subsequent babies). Furthermore:

If women were left to go into labour spontaneously without being induced:
* About 50% would have their baby between 39 and 41 weeks and up
to 88% between 38 and 42 weeks.
* 5% of babies would be born on their actual due date.
* 6 to 7% of babies would be born premature (before 37 weeks).
* If not induced, a very small percentage of babies would be born
after 42 weeks.

"You mean we gotta wait up to another 2 weeks??"
Christ on a bike. Mistress P will be passing Grant Hackett in the pool by then.

Or, errr... beaching in the shallow end. Print this post